Info-Tainment Comedy Collection 2015
Rye Bread - I've always been fond of a little rye bread. Now it appears it's a must!
Two old guys, one 78 and one 82, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 82 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 78 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 82 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 78 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Why yes, we have a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I would like 5 loaves please."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard"
He replied, "I can't friggin believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."
GOT MY CONCEALED CARRY PERMIT
I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.
When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!
As an intelligent senior citizen, I do not get flustered often. But this time, it took me a while to get my pants back on.
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear.
The Minister's Wife
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after the services for me?"
Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend he agrees.
After the services, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You better hurry home. My wife died a year ago."
IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON
While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny's. He didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager. He didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's.
Nope! In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast Ireland 's finest. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home.
Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Los Angeles airport.
The first lady was an arrogant Californian woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered, elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to Charm School," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm School?" the first woman said, amazed, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying, "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart!"
Hooters - As I Get Older, I Think Differently
After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter's to see some friends and have a snack. After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators. I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot more than I used to."
Golf is not Complicated
Once a player has mastered the grip and stance, all he has to bear in mind, in the brief two-second interval it takes to swing, is to keep his left elbow pointed in toward the left hip --- his right arm loose and closer to the body than the left and take the club head past his right knee --- then break the wrists at just the right instant while the left arm is still traveling straight back from the ball --- the right arm stays glued to the body --- the hips come around in a perfect circle and meanwhile everything is mucked up unless the weight is 60% on the left foot and 40% on the right, not an ounce more or less --- at just the right point in the turn the left knee bends in toward the right in a dragging motion until the left heel comes off the ground but not too far --- be sure the hands are over the right foot but not on the toe more than the heel except that the left side of the right foot is tilted off the ground, but not too far --- be sure the hands at the top of the s wing are high -- the shaft points along a line parallel with the ground and if it's a downhill lie the shaft is supposed to be pointed downhill too --pause at the top of the swing and count one, jerk the left arm straight down like a bell ringer yanking a belfry rope, don't un-cock the wrists too soon ---pull the left hip around in a circle but don't let the shoulders turn with the hips, they have to be facing the hole--- now transfer the weight 60% to the left foot and 40% to the right, not an ounce more or less --- tilt the left foot now so the right side of it is straight (that's the one you hit against)--- watch out for the left hand, it's supposed to be extended, but not too stiff or the shot won't go anywhere, don't let it get loose or you will hook--- then let the wrists un-cock but don't force them or you'll smother the shot -- don't break too soon but keep your head down, then hit the ball!
THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT. . .Unless you move your head, then you're screwed!
A fact you won't soon forget...
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus carkills.
He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
One of the world's greatest hypochondriacs, bumped into his Dr. one day at the supermarket.
"Doc!" the hypochondriac exclaimed, "I've been meaning to tell you, remember those voices I kept on hearing in my head? I haven't heard them in over a week!"
"Wow! What wonderful news! I'm so happy for you!" his Dr. exclaimed.
"Wonderful?" asked the dismal looking hypochondriac. "There's nothing wonderful about it. I'm afraid my hearing is starting to go now!"
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all
states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the
need for further elections.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:
God Save the Queen!
A Husband went to the RCMP to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting. [At this point the husband started choking up .]
Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
Heartwarming story about a Lawyer
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over here under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also.
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
Lesson In Life
In 1923: Who was the:
1. President of the largest steel company?
These men were considered some of the world's most successful of their days. Now, 80 years later, the history asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.
The Answers: 1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper. 2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane. 3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home. 4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless. 5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself. 6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.
However!!! In that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him? He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The Moral: Screw work. Play golf.
The Last Kiss
Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin , Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex:
Husband: "Sukitaki. Mojitaka!"
Wife replies: "Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!"
Husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"
Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"
Husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!"
Did you just sit there trying to read this? And you don't even understand Japanese? Guess you'll read anything as long as you think it's about sex. You need serious help! Sometimes I worry about you.
The Cremated Husband
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "You know that dishwasher you promised me, but never bought me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me, but never bought me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me, but never bought me? I bought that, too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes."
A little girl's Cup of Tea made with cold water? ONLY A GRANDMOTHER WOULD KNOW...
One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Grandma came home.
My Grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Grandma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a grandma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Yaw know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas , and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
"I'm taking Earlene with me."
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.. ' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
See, some old men can still think fast.
"DEFINITION OF "SERVICE"
I became confused when I heard the word "Service" being used with these agencies:
1, Internal Revenue "Service".
2, U.S. Postal "Service".
3, Telephone "Service".
4, Cable T.V. "Service".
5, Civil "Service".
6, State, City, County & Public "Service".
7, Customer "Service".
Just not what I thought "Service" meant. But today I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "Service" a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing!
One Sunday, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
Sex with ghosts
A professor at Ohio State University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies . To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you were talking about goats."
A Prayer for Grandpa
Dear God, Please send clothes for all those poor ladies on Grandpa's computer. Amen
Good medical advice from the Jewish sages of old
1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.
2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing, don't eat too much; go for more liquids.
5. Try f***ing in bed 'cause it can save you valuable energy.
6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.
So remember, Fasting is good for your health - and may God cleanse your dirty mind.
In the nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised!
Quickly I sat up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver's license photo and it was that same color. Black.
I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair. But it's a wheelchair!! That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled!!!
I said to myself, aloud 'This is impossible. It's impossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled.' 'It's the pure and holy truth', whispers someone from behind me. I turn around, and it's my boyfriend. Just what I needed!!! I am a homosexual, and on top of that with a Mexican boyfriend.
Oh, my God..... black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, and HIV-positive!!! Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and Oh, noooooo...I'm bald!!!
The telephone rings. It's my brother. He is saying, 'Since mom and dad died the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job you worthless piece of crap... Any job.' Mom?... Dad?... Nooooooooo... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!
I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, and an orphan. But he doesn't get it. Frustrated, I hang up.
It's then I realize I only have one hand!!! With tears in my eyes, I go to the window to look out. I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere.
Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker.... Pacemaker? Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.
At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, 'Sweetie pie, my love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided who are you going to vote for in the Primary? Hillary Clinton or Michelle Obama???
Say it isn't so!!! I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug addicted, Jewish, gay on a pacemaker, who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please, oh dear God, please don't tell me I'm a Democrat.
Donald Gets A Condom
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to make love with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No".
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel receptionist if they had any condoms. "Yes, we do" she said and pulled out a packet from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The receptionist asked, "Would you like me to put it on your bill?"
"Thit No!!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for over 51 years.
WALKING ON THE GRASS
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk."
Doesn't this bring a tear to your eye? This amazing level of sensitivity can't be taught.
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Updated - Friday, November 27, 2015 06:31:29 PM